Many years ago I cut out a quote from a newspaper that I really liked and stuck it in a file of miscellaneous stuff. While cleaning out that random file several months ago, I ran across this little clipping again and hung it on my fridge. The message is profound . . .
"Children have neither past nor future; they enjoy the present, which very few of us do." - Jean de La Bruyere (1645-1696)
A couple of weeks ago when I asked a friend of mine how she was doing, she said she was "in need of change." When I asked big or little, she replied "many little ones." As I thought of her comment, I reflected on my own life which I felt was also in need of change (despite huge changes that had just taken place in our family with my husband being called to serve as bishop of our ward!) I came to a conclusion of what I felt the problem was in my life, and possibly my friends’.
I decided that the reason I felt that I was in need of change was because I was so caught up in the day-to-day tasks that I was forgetting to enjoy the present just as the quote talks about. I call this situation being stuck in "survival mode." That's when I just do whatever I can to make it through the day. At the end of the day when the kids are in bed and I am reflecting on how much I love them (especially in their quiet, sleeping, state), I realize that I feel empty in the accomplishment category. I feel as though I have accomplished nothing all day (despite working like a horse), because the kitchen floor that I cleaned (sometimes more than once) is once again dirty, the bathroom that was spotless for one brief moment now has toilet paper strewn about and toothpaste on the counter, and the laundry that was almost “caught up” is once again just “piling up”.
During this quiet moment I realize that I spent half the day getting after my now sleeping little angels (who when awake are not often awarded the title "angel") and I feel guilty about not spending enough quality time with them--not reading that book to them because I was too busy, and not being the perfect mother that I was convinced I was going to be BEFORE I had children. I make a silent commitment to myself and my children that I will be better tomorrow . . .
Then I wake up the next morning (after being up several times during the night with the baby, middle-of-the-night bathroom trip, or scary dream--sometimes all three in one night), and I somehow slip back again into my "survival" mode. I start doing again all the same things that I did the day before--getting after the kids again, not taking time to read that book and enjoy the kids, and murmuring the whole time as I clean up yet ANOTHER mess and ask myself if this whole thing will ever end.
Then sometimes I start thinking . . . if only the baby would sleep through the night . . . if only my three year old would become completely potty trained . . . if only I could get organized . . . the list goes on and on. I start wishing for the future to come as an end-all to my current struggles, and I start forgetting to enjoy the present.
In our last general conference, our Prophet gave some words of advice that have since become a well-known statement: "find joy in the journey." While that phrase has stuck with me and I have joked with other moms in moments of crisis to remember to "find joy in the journey", I had not looked back on the actual talk until now. All of a sudden as I've taken the chance to reflect today, this statement and talk take on new meaning, and I feel this overwhelming desire and need to move myself past the “survival mode” phase and onto new heights where I can become the wife and mother God intends me to be--where I can experience true joy in the journey. This blog will be a place for me to record my thoughts and experiences as I start a journey to find joy.
