What Kind of Mother Am I?

It's obviously been a while since I have posted anything, and I have a lot to say, just not a lot of time to get it down on paper (or a blog!)

I have always had this desire to have a perfectly clean house and perfect children, but the more children I have the more I have to laugh at this very unrealistic goal I established before I ever even had children. Also before I had children, I thought I would be the perfect mother to go along with the perfect children and perfect house. Little did I know that the more children I have, the more I would see all my flaws staring me right in the face.

Anyways, once upon a time before I had children, I bought a cross-stitch that really does idealize what this mothering thing is all about and the kind of mother I am really trying to be. I ran across this unfinished cross-stitch tonight as I was looking for something. It says:

Excuse This House

Some houses try to hide the fact that children shelter there.

Ours boasts of it quite openly,

The signs are everywhere.

For smears are on the windows,

Little smudges on the doors,

I should apologize I guess for toys strewn on the floor.

But I sat down with the children

And we played and laughed and read,

And if the doorbell doesn't shine,

Their eyes will shine instead.

For when at last I'm forced to choose the one job or the other;

I want to be a homemaker

But first I'll be a mother.

I'm trying to remember this as I am learning to let go of my pride and just go ahead and open the door when my house is a mess because I have spent all day doing school with the kids, snuggling with a newborn, or working on some project. I do not need to apologize for choosing to do that which is really most important!

My Secret Identity

I have a secret identity . . . anyone surprised? Although I wish this secret identity was some sort of a super hero, it's not . . . it is the person that exists inside of me when I am not on official duty as "mommy". This person makes rare appearances like on date nights with my husband, occasional "girls night out" with my friends (which, ironic as it may be the topic of conversation usually centers around our "not-so-secret identities" 0f "mommy"), and occasional moments out to myself.

This is the woman who is not stressed about keeping track of exactly where each child is at every moment, breaking up fights, stopping tantrums, constantly cleaning up messes, and changing diapers. This is the woman who does not have screaming or whining children as the backdrop to every phone conversation, or a child hanging on her or saying quite loudly "Mom, let's go!" every two seconds when trying to carry on a live conversation. This is the woman who doesn't feel like she needs to be an octopus, elastigirl, or perhaps both at the same time.  This is the machine that feels like it can go into sleep mode however short it may last to take a break from all of her "multi-tasking". 

Although this woman makes only brief appearances in my life, I am grateful that I know she exists and I get to make this occasional transformation. There is something about letting my secret identity come out every once in a while that makes living in my not-so-secret identity a little easier.  In fact, I've found that when I get to make the transformation between the two identities frequently, I'm actually better in my "true" identity. 

I love being a mom. It's hard, frustrating, overwhelming, and a whole lot of other things, but it's also rewarding, entertaining, spectacular, and amazing! I am truly grateful that my "secret identity" is not my only identity. That my most-commonly known identity is "mom".

It's been a while . . .

So it's been a while since I've updated. We've been doing the chore chart thing and it works pretty well when I stay on top of things. I also really, really love my cordless vacuum! I set up my card system, but find that I really don't use it so I'm thinking just a checklist would be more simple. I have also been just trying to get my house put together here and there. I got a couple of closets cleaned out and yesterday I put away a bunch of the kids' toys so that they will hopefully be easier to pick up. I'm just tired of it taking 1/2 day just to clean the playroom! 

I'm slowing down and getting to the frustrating time of pregnancy for me when my sciatic nerve starts to really throw me fits and I don't know what I'm actually going to be able to accomplish in a day. If I try to do too much I will hate myself later and some days I get out of bed really unable to move around well at all. I am also that great heartburn stage so I really don't feel like eating anything. Figuring out what to feed people is really hard when I would rather just have a bowl of cereal! I think that will be the next thing on the agenda--meal planning!

The workboxes have been working well. I just haven't figured out a very good system for myself yet for refilling them. I think I am just ready for a bit of a summer break from school so that I can get a few things done before this baby comes! I would like to set up a school room for next year so that I can re-claim my kitchen and feel like we have a better place to do school than my kitchen table. 

Overall, things have been going pretty good! I am making baby steps as always, but at least I am not standing still!!

A House of Order - Establishing a Cleaning Routine

I have been working on organizing my cleaning schedule and coming up with a chore system for the kids this week. 

I am not a big chore chart fan. They just seem to be A LOT more work for mommy than the actual work that they help accomplish.  I have tried cute little chore charts. I once tried a chore chart that had a bunch of cute little cutout things for the kids with small pictures of chores that they moved from "do it" to "done." Sounds simple enough, but all the pieces were a big pain and it had to be setup every day so we could start over again. There were too many chores on there to do and it was just too complicated. I have tried the simple check the box or simple charts, but they always disappear from the fridge and end up in some random part of the house. Don't work. I have tried no chore chart and just trying to let the kids know what is expected of them, and I have tried the "just ask mommy" approach which gets old really fast. So, what is my genius idea this time?

I have a very simplified chore process. First off we call the morning routine the "Big Five." I got this from somewhere, don't know where, but just so you know it is not an original idea. The "Big Five" consists of: Make Bed, Get Dressed, Take care of PJs, Brush Teeth, Comb Hair. One item for each finger on one hand. These are chores that are just automatic. No chore chart. I am,  however, going to make a little poster with visuals to tape to the back of their door or something because that's just what I do. 

Next we are going to have a meal time chore that will stay the same all week. There are only three chores because we only have three children that can do chores right now. Mom or dad will help with these chores and adapt to age/skill level as needed. They are: Set Table, Unload Dishwasher & Sweep, and Load Dishwasher. These chores will be done for each meal except unloading dishwasher is a once-a-day chore at our house (at least for now!) I made little cards that have these duties on them and wrote what is required for the job on the back.

The second chore is a daily chore, and again I picked three: Take Out Garbage, Straighten Living Room, and Help with Laundry. 

The Last chore is one they only have to help with once a week (for now): Clean Bathroom, Wash Walls, and Vacuum. 

I made little pockets with their names on them that stick to the fridge to keep their three chores in so they can pull them out and read the back so they know what they need to do. Mostly, because I have kept it simple I can just remember who is in charge of what for the week. Simplify, simplify, simplify. The kids were so excited when I finished the chore cards yesterday that we had to start last night so they will get a couple extra days of practice before we officially start chores on Monday. My 7-year-old daughter who has laundry help actually was so excited that she put in a load of towels on her own while I was getting my glasses fixed last night (the side effect of a 3-year-old deciding he needed to "see" something yesterday). The only problem was it was a HUGE load of towels and has taken forever to dry! We'll be working on that one! By the way, daddy was home but did not notice this little helper being so "helpful." 

I'm also working on a chore system for myself that is a card system that is similar to what is found in a book called "Side-tracked Home Executives" by Pamela Young. When I read this book a long time ago I didn't get around to setting up the system because it was a lot of work (and it still is) and it was too overwhelming for me at the time. I have kept a running list of chores that I think need to be done around my house and how often I think they need to be done and now I am putting them on cards according to chore frequency. I am hoping this will help put my mind to rest because I am very detail oriented and I always think about all the detailed cleaning stuff like baseboards, windows, vacuuming the ceiling fan, etc., when I sometimes can't even find the basic parts of my house. This is a problem because what happens is I get one room really clean (every corner dusted, windows and blinds cleaned, no extra junk, etc.), but then rest of the house is a disaster. I am trying to figure out a household maintenance system that works where I can then add in these "extra" deep cleaning chores and feel like my house is all-around clean. I think this card system will work because I am a checklist type of person. Sometimes I make a list and put things on it that I have already done just so I can cross it off and feel like I am accomplishing something. I also am notorious for thinking I can accomplish way more than is humanly possible for a mom of four kids who homeschools.

I think these baby steps in the cleaning routine will help immensely. I have a few other things I would like to eventually do, but for now I think this is a great start!

 

A House of Order - Organizational Time Out

I read something a while back in a book that I can't remember the title of or author, and I'm sure this is not how she said whatever it is that she was saying, but the impression/feeling that came to my mind was that sometimes we have to take a step back (a "time out") and allow ourselves the time to get organized so that things can run smoother. It takes time to set up systems and be organized, but it is for the benefit of ourselves (and our sanity), and our families.

So, I'm planning my "time out" strategy and how I can get myself organized without having everything get worse rather than better, which is usually what happens when I try to clean--I work on cleaning one room or area, and the kids work on messing it up! And sometimes (okay, a lot of the times) the area they mess up is an area I just left clean! I love those little tornadoes and wish I had even half their energy, and then my whole problem would be solved. I could whip around cleaning and organizing things faster than they could mess them up! Oh, that makes me tired just thinking about it!

Back to the "time out" plan. I'm pretty sure at this point that it is going to involve a couple of packs of paper plates and some good movies, playdough, paper, and activities for the kids. I'm not sure if it is going to involve me working after the kids go to bed (I was going to say "staying up late," but then I realized that I already do that, I just don't clean because I'm too busy enjoying a moment of sanity while thinking about everything that I should be doing!) 

My "time out" might come over the course of a couple of work like a horse days, or I might try to just plan time every day to do some organizing. I think I am going to have to do this when I get everything organized just so I can maintain stuff. 

So I just thought I would put this thought out there as my pregnant brain randomly jumps from one thought to another. Is there a way to organize your brain???

A House of Order - Simplifying My Life

I am making progress towards establishing a house of order. This progress is coming in tiny baby steps, but are things that will make a big difference in my ability to accomplish what should be simple tasks (as if  anything is really ever simple with children!)

The first thing I did this week is buy a laundry sorter for the kids. Jim and I already have one and it works well for us, but the kids had one laundry basket for all of their dirty clothes. One basket sounds simple enough, but one laundry basket meant that I had to sort through the entire basket of clothes BEFORE I could even do laundry. With a sleeping baby in that room a couple of times a day (the most convenient times to do laundry so I can run up and down stairs without a tagalong), it made the laundry process a lot more difficult than it really needed to be. 

So, back to the laundry sorter . . . I labeled the three different mesh bags--whites, darks, and towels (this is one advantage to having children that read!), and we had fun sorting through the pile of laundry together and deciding which bag each item belongs in!! Having the laundry pre-sorted has meant a much simpler laundry process for me this week--no more sorting through the big pile of clothes!! I love that I can see through the mesh bags and know which loads of laundry I need to do for the day and I can quickly grab the fullest one on my way out of the room as I put the baby down for a nap! Another advantage is that a mesh bag is so much easier to haul up and down the stairs with my pregnant belly and laundry getting through two baby gates! So for now I have simplified the laundry process so I can have all of my laundry washed, folded an put away much easier (just kidding, that almost NEVER happens around here :) Really, I'm just hoping the kids continue to be as good as they have at putting their dirty clothes where they go--since right now we are still in the "fun" stage and I'm sure they will outgrow that at some point. Three cheers for simplifying something in my life! Why did it take me so long to make this $16 investment for my sanity?? 

My next area of simplicity . . . vacuuming! I got a new vacuum! You might ask, what is wrong with my current vacuum? Let me tell you . . . I have a really nice vacuum called a Hyla which I love! I does a great job and also does wet pick up which has saved me on more than one occasion. The problem is that it is somewhat of a complicated vacuuming process--fill up with water, haul up and down the stairs, empty the water. Pregnant me with sciatic nerve issues, four children and the Hyla do not mix. The Hyla is a great deep-cleaning, once-a-week vacuum. The problem is that a home with four children is not a once-a-week vacuum project, sometimes it isn't even a once-a-day project. I needed something to simplify the vacuuming process. 

My husband being the picky vacuum person that he is (he had his own business selling the Hyla for a while) didn't want a cheap corded vacuum (which I would have been totally okay with). He wanted something that was easy for me to use, doesn't take up a lot of space, and was somewhat of a quality machine that would last for a while. I really wanted something that would vacuum at least as well as inexpensive corded vacuum or better. He researched on the Internet and we ended up spending more than I really wanted, but got a pretty slick little machine. I just got it yesterday and after charging the battery before use, it has already been used a couple of times (I told you a four kid house was at least a once-a-day vacuuming project.) Anyways, I love it! It stores nicely in the pantry and the battery comes out for charging so I don't have to have the vacuum plugged in to charge. SO NICE!! I am so looking forward to this new simplified process and being able to keep my home a little cleaner with a simple, easy to use, cordless vacuum! Hooray again that my husband loves me--this vacuum is so much nicer than what I would have picked out for myself :)  

The next thing I have been working on is a way to simplify our school day and be more organized. I ran across this idea of workboxes the other day and I have been putting them together so we can get started in the next couple of weeks. I think this will hold me more accountable because I have to have everything planned and set up in advance. It will also teach the children to work independently and allow them (and me) a little more freedom. I think it will also make it so we can get to more of the fun stuff that we really love doing together rather than being so exhausted once we get through the basics (after pulling teeth some days!) I am way excited to try this out soon and then get everything ready for next school year in the fall when we also add another little guy to the mix. I have had a lot of fun designing the boxes to put stuff in. I will post pictures when I have a chance and explain the system better with links to some blogs and websites. 

Another thing that I have done hit and miss, but is really great at simplifying the snack process around here is to fill up little containers with fruit, jello, pudding, yogurt, etc. and have them ready to go in the fridge. It is so nice to give my children healthy food choices for snacks and if they are already ready it means I don't have to drop everything to open a can of fruit cocktail especially when my hands are full with a baby or something else.

Some other ideas for simplifying my life that I haven't gotten to yet are these . . . 

--Making a master list of phone numbers for doctors, dentists, etc. and a schedule of when people last visited all of these fun people. As I have more children I am not so great at keeping track of this stuff and I've learned that if I don't make my next appointment before I leave the doctor, chances are that it will take me forever to remember and finally get around to it (and that's only if I can find the number when I need it and I don't have screaming children so I can actually carry on a conversation with someone.) I also need to remember when my husband and I last visited the eye doctor so that we don't wait until we are on the last pair on contacts to make an appointment (as is the case with me at this very moment!)

--Figuring out a better way to organize and store children's clothing for the next child. I want to make a clothing inventory list as I put stuff away so that I know what I have to use for the next child. Since we have so many boys, sometimes there are only a few items of clothing that need to be purchased to make it through a certain stage, and sometimes the previous boy has pretty much worn everything out and we have to start new. I want a checklist so I know (especially during seasons changes) what I need to buy so I can get in on the good sales early and not buy stuff we don't need, and forget what we really do need! I store all of my clothing in bins sorted and labeled inside the bin in plastic ziploc bags. This sounds complicated, but it is sure nice when I pull stuff out. I will post pics as I am in the middle of this massive clothes organization project. I also want to decide on a time frame when I want to go through clothes, closets and drawers and put stuff away and pull out new stuff and have a fashion show with the kids to decide what fits, etc. The clothing issue becomes bigger and more complicated the more children I have. 

While on the subject of clothing, I just have to put in a plug for Shopko and their kid tough guarantee. I only buy pants at Shopko on sale. Sears also does this, but you have to keep receipts. Anyways, the kids put a hole in the pants and you take them back in for a new pair. Same size, same brand. No questions asked. I can't tell you how many pairs of pants we have been saved from buying because of this deal. I have four pairs of pants that I'm hoping to take in later today. It is so nice and worth a couple extra bucks which most of the time isn't even the case unless you are comparing new clothing prices to what you can get at the DI (by the way I am NOT a DI shopper--nothing against those who are, I just think I would be crazy (okay, I'm already crazy, but I would be on the verge of insane) if I were to take my children to the DI to sort through racks. Also, in my personal shopping experiences I have found NEW shirts for less than you can buy a used shirt at the DI--so why wouldn't I choose new?)

The last project or two that I am going to mention to hold myself somewhat accountable are:

-A household cleaning schedule so I can rotate through those deep cleaning, feels so good to know it is done once in a while chores. I'm thinking some sort of card system. I like flylady, but not everything there works for me because of all the little ones I have running around!  I'm also going to get the kids involved in a better chore system including making a gunny bag (a pillow case with a face on it) that eats leftover toys (the toys the kids don't pick up) and then the kids have to do something to earn them back. Haven't worked out the details yet, just one of those ideas I want to try.

-Organizing my recipes and being better about menu planning. I have been wanting to do this for years. I think my husband will pass out if I ever really do accomplish this. Haven't figured out the best way to organize recipes yet--if anyone has ideas, let me know. Do I put them in a book or use index cards?

-A better system for updating finances in the computer and paying bills.

-An organized place to do school. This is actually one of the things on the top of my list even though it has been placed here at the bottom!

So it might be another couple of years before I post again as I work on all these projects that are time-consuming up front, but time-saving in the end! Wish me luck!

A House of Order

Okay, so I have been thinking about this one for a long time and it's time to just say it like it is (at least for me). One of the talks from general conference made my think a little more about this though, and I sort of gave myself permission to finally express how I feel even though there might be some who disagree. So here it is . . . 

Having a clean and orderly house has A LOT (I thought about using the word everything, but decided that is not entirely true) to do with the kind of mom that I am and the joy that I experience in the journey. I didn't word that really great, but hopefully you get the point.

I feel almost non-functional when I have a disaster area for a house. I'm grouchy and frustrated with both me and the kids. I'm not great about feeding the kids lunch and snacks in a timely manner (this might have something to do with not being able to find the table or having no clean dishes) which makes them and me even more grouchy, I am not happy when I step on a Lego that was left on the floor (anyone who has ever experienced this knows how much it hurts!), and I get frustrated when the kids complain that they have no pajamas or nothing to wear! When things are a huge mess, I feel overwhelmed and I don't even know where to start and everyone in the house just feeds off my frustration--there is more fighting, more messes, and a mommy who at the end of the day really doesn't like herself!  

Growing up my mood and life was reflected in my room. I was pretty much a spotless person when life was going well--clothes were ironed, hung up, bed was always made, everything dusted, etc., etc. One quick peek in my room and you knew life was good. On the other hand, when I was really struggling or frustrated with life, my room was--let's just say less than perfect! I think my house is now the reflection of my world. There have been brief moments in my 9 year tenure of being a wife and then mother that I have experienced order and close to spotlessness. However, those moments have been few and far between and I seem to have forgotten that they even existed at all until I look back on photos where the backdrop was not mounds of mess and realize that once upon a time I did have a clean and orderly house on a regular basis! 

As we have added more children to the mix (and consequently more stuff), I am to the point of feeling really out of control and it is time to get things under control before I feel out of control again with the birth of a new baby in September! I want and need to feel like a happy and in control person with a neat and orderly home where I can feel the spirit of the Lord. I want to be the wife and mother that I know I am meant to be and I need to make BIG changes in order to get there. 

So on to my goal and how I am going to get there (this might take a few posts since unfortunately this is not going to be an overnight change).

MY GOAL:

One of the revelations in the Doctrine and Covenants talks about my goal:

"Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God: That your incomings may be in the name of the Lord; that your outgoings may be in the name of the Lord; that all your salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with uplifted hands unto the Most High." (D&C 88:119-120) 

So we have all heard the first part of this scripture which is my goal--establish order and a home where the spirit of the Lord can reside--but at least personally I haven't spent too much time reading on to the next point which happens to go hand in hand with this goal--in a sense really handing our lives and our homes over to the Lord. I feel like one of the most important reasons for us to follow the counsel in this scripture and put our homes in order is to put ourselves in what I call "A Position to Serve." The times when I have put my home in order are the times when I have been the best at serving my family and others (and this includes just having a meal on the table and clean clothes, but it also includes taking dinner or a loaf of bread to someone, or making that phone call just to check in on someone). I am more in tune with the spirit as this scripture talks about, and I feel better about myself and am more open to those promptings that tell me who I need to serve and how. I also feel more willing and able to be called upon at the last minute to serve someone who needs their children watched or needs a quick ride somewhere. 

I would love to finish this thought process today, but it is time for lunch, and I have to go find my table . . . at least I have have clean dishes :)

More to come . . . but here's the link for the conference talk about comparing our homes to the temple.

Learning Curve

It has been a long time since I've updated this blog, and I have just been floating through life and struggling with the ups and downs of having children. I have had sick children off and on for what seems like forever and it has been hard to just be able to function at times. I'm hoping we are at the tail end of the sickness.

I have to admit that I feel like I have been a witch of a mom lately and have spent an awful lot of time getting frustrated or yelling at my children. Not exactly the joyful experience that I really want. In my frustration I decided that I needed to take control of my household and figure out how to better manage my children since I really was starting not to like myself in my witchy state. I think there have been a lot of family changes lately that have triggered some undesireable behaviors in my children--my husband is gone a LOT, and I'm pregnant.  The children have learned new ways to get away with things with an extra tired mommy. 

I checked out a book that someone recommended from the library called 1-2-3 Magic and today has been the first day we have tried implementing it. I haven't been a yelling mommy since one of the things the book teaches is to not get upset at the children, but remain calm and count their obnoxious behaviors and on the third count they get sent to timeout. My kids have been fairly well behaved today and we have had many enjoyable moments. This method must be working because my seven year old hates it and thinks we shouldn't do it anymore :)

I need to go find my house now since baby is down for a nap and my house needs some serious attention!

You Can't Draw Water From An Empty Well

I'm a secret lurker of a woman's blog who I have a lot in common with--we both homeschool, are the same age, have several children, and are both bishop's wives. Although I have never emailed or spoken to this woman, she has inspired me on many occasions with her wisdom and insights into life and the gospel. A few days ago she had a posting about motherhood and I just love what she had to say. I had been thinking about some of the very things she talked about just yesterday (including the quote--"If mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!), and after reading her post this morning, I just have to link to it. I have heard this poem "Girl in a Whirl" before and love it because I feel so often that it is exactly what I am expecting myself to do even though reading it makes me realize how silly and impossible it is to even attempt to do all of those things.

I love her reference to Elder Ballard's talk and her great ideas (and also realistic ideas) on how she tries to make time for herself. This is what I think I need to focus on right now. So, my focus for the next week is to figure out how to make time for myself and fill my well, because I think it has been a little empty lately.  This goes with my post yesterday of needing to be filled with the spirit to experience true joy. I'm committing myself to doing things to help myself be filled with the spirit--including getting up earlier and making daily scripture study a priority and attending the temple this week. 

So here's what I've been talking about: chocolateonmycranium 

The Potential of Joy

I've started this post a million times and got interrupted about that many times as well. I think I am trying to make things too complicated--I have a tendency to do that (maybe that is one of the keys to finding joy--simplifying my life--we'll save that one for another post!) I have a lot of thoughts running through my head, but I am going to overwhelm myself if I try to think about all of them at once, so I am breaking this up into baby steps for myself so I don't get overwhelmed and lose my focus and forget what I was doing in the first place (I have a tendency to do that as well!)

As I've thought about joy, I've read several scriptures and studied what joy is and come up with some conclusions as to why I feel so drawn to strive toward this goal of joy. I'm not going to list all of my findings and thoughts here because I might be here all day, but I want to record a few. 

The first is that I believe one of the very points for our existence is to have joy. It is what our Heavenly Father wants for us, and it is ultimately one of our rewards when we leave this earth life and return back into His presence. These are just a few of the scriptures that emphasize these points:

"Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25)

"Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou in the joy of the lord." (Matthew 25:11)

"Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." (Psalms 16:11)

To go with that, I have three other things for today. One is a quote that I saw painted on a plaque in a craft store many years ago, and which I based my personal viewpoint of home and family around even before I was married and had children. It is by President David O. McKay and idealizes what I really want my home to be. It states: "It is possible to make home a bit of heaven. Indeed, I picture heaven as the continuation of the ideal home." If the Lord's presence is where we can experience a "fulness of joy," it seems only right to me that in my home I should be striving to find and maintain joy as well to create my "heaven on earth."  

The next is I can't think of my home being a "heaven on earth" without having the hymn "Home Can be a Heaven on Earth" come to mind. Ironic that it's lyrics mention joy. This is just the first verse (maybe I'll post the other verses in another post :)

Home can be a heav’n on earth

When we are filled with love,
Bringing happiness and joy,
Rich blessings from above—
Warmth and kindness, charity,
Safety and security—
Making home a part of heaven,
Where we want to be.

(Hymns, no. 98)

If I want to experience true, everlasting joy in my home, I know I have a few things I need to work on (that's why I can't post the other verses today--baby steps!)

The last thing today is a recent quote by our prophet, President Monson, talking about our homes: "Our homes are to be more than sanctuaries; they should also be places where God's spirit can dwell, where the storm stops at the door, where love reigns and peace dwells . . ."

Joy is a gift. It is a gift and a fruit of the spirit, and the kind of joy that I am seeking cannot be felt and experienced without having my home and life filled with the spirit--again I've got some work to do, but I think I've found the right path and am starting to take baby steps to get there!

The Beginning

Many years ago I cut out a quote from a newspaper that I really liked and stuck it in a file of miscellaneous stuff. While cleaning out that random file several months ago, I ran across this little clipping again and hung it on my fridge. The message is profound . . . 

"Children have neither past nor future; they enjoy the present, which very few of us do." - Jean de La Bruyere (1645-1696)

A couple of weeks ago when I asked a friend of mine how she was doing, she said she was "in need of change." When I asked big or little, she replied "many little ones." As I thought of her comment, I reflected on my own life which I felt was also in need of change (despite huge changes that had just taken place in our family with my husband being called to serve as bishop of our ward!) I came to a conclusion of what I felt the problem was in my life, and possibly my friends’.

I decided that the reason I felt that I was in need of change was because I was so caught up in the day-to-day tasks that I was forgetting to enjoy the present just as the quote talks about.  I call this situation being stuck in "survival mode." That's when I just do whatever I can to make it through the day. At the end of the day when the kids are in bed and I am reflecting on how much I love them (especially in their quiet, sleeping, state), I realize that I feel empty in the accomplishment category. I feel as though I have accomplished nothing all day (despite working like a horse), because the kitchen floor that I cleaned (sometimes more than once) is once again dirty, the bathroom that was spotless for one brief moment now has toilet paper strewn about and toothpaste on the counter, and the laundry that was almost “caught up” is once again just “piling up”. 

During this quiet moment I realize that I spent half the day getting after my now sleeping little angels (who when awake are not often awarded the title "angel") and I feel guilty about not spending enough quality time with them--not reading that book to them because I was too busy, and not being the perfect mother that I was convinced I was going to be BEFORE I had children. I make a silent commitment to myself and my children that I will be better tomorrow . . . 

Then I wake up the next morning (after being up several times during the night with the baby, middle-of-the-night bathroom trip, or scary dream--sometimes all three in one night), and I somehow slip back again into my "survival" mode. I start doing again all the same things that I did the day before--getting after the kids again, not taking time to read that book and enjoy the kids, and murmuring the whole time as I clean up yet ANOTHER mess and ask myself if this whole thing will ever end. 

Then sometimes I start thinking . . . if only the baby would sleep through the night . . . if only my three year old would become completely potty trained . . . if only I could get organized . . . the list goes on and on. I start wishing for the future to come as an end-all to my current struggles, and I start forgetting to enjoy the present. 

In our last general conference, our Prophet gave some words of advice that have since become a well-known statement: "find joy in the journey." While that phrase has stuck with me and I have joked with other moms in moments of crisis to remember to "find joy in the journey", I had not looked back on the actual talk until now. All of a sudden as I've taken the chance to reflect today, this statement and talk take on new meaning, and I feel this overwhelming desire and need to move myself past the “survival mode” phase and onto new heights where I can become the wife and mother God intends me to be--where I can experience true joy in the journey. This blog will be a place for me to record my thoughts and experiences as I start a journey to find joy.